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I find it funny how loneliness is such a major contributor to my anxiety, yet, I haven’t really made a post about it. I have talked about it a bit, but haven’t given it its own blog post. Loneliness in grad school affects everyone. You will definitely feel it the longer you are in the program mostly because of the time you spend by yourself. Just know that it won’t last and things will get better. So, let’s dive deeper into loneliness while you are in grad school, especially in a doctorate program.
How Loneliness Affects Me
Loneliness, to me, is one of the worst feelings that I get. When I feel lonely, things just appear off to me. Colors seem to change and get duller, happiness tends to go away, and an overall sense of sadness kicks in. It is very close to what my depression felt like but not nearly as bad. It is still extremely uncomforting. I used to talk to my therapist all of the time about how lonely I felt, even when I was around a ton of friends. I felt isolated from the world and there wasn’t much I could do to prevent this feeling. My therapist would always reassure me and tell me that this is a common occurrence among grad students. I wanted to know why and I eventually found out.
Why You May Feel Loneliness in Grad School
One obvious reason you will feel lonely is because you will be by yourself quite often. You will be in the lab by yourself, writing by yourself, and possibly even going home to be by yourself. I know many grad students that live alone so they often really feel lonely. Another reason you will experience loneliness is because the project that you are working on is not well known. Maybe it is, but more than likely people will not know what you are doing or why you are doing this. It is hard to talk about it with people because they just won’t understand what you are doing and don’t really relate to the very different struggles that grad students face. I find it extremely isolating to bring up grad school with my family because they just don’t know what questions to ask or give advice, since they have not been in my position before.
Do Not Fret, There is Hope
There is hope! You don’t have to feel lonely if you learn to love the time you spend by yourself. I tell myself all of the time that I might be alone, but I am not lonely. I have to truly believe it though and I have gotten to the point where I definitely am believing it. Being alone can be extremely comforting if you look at it as a positive experience. Next time you are alone, doing experiments or just in your office, say out loud (yes out loud), “Sweet, I am alone. That means I won’t have distractions and will get my work done” or “Being alone is awesome because I don’t have to deal with nasty people”. Of course you can come up with whatever you want but make sure it is positive. I often say “Great, I am alone. Now I can watch a movie without being interrupted”. I watch movies every other Tuesday, while in the lab. If someone else was here, I couldn’t enjoy that time.
Make friends with other grad students. I know this is a bit of a difficult one but you just need to do it. Other grad students will know exactly what you are going through. They often feel the same way and a friend will help you feel less lonely. It will also help them feel less lonely. I have made several grad school friends and they all have moments of loneliness. I get texts from them all of the time when they are alone, just reaching out to feel less lonely. It is comforting to know you have someone to talk to.
Get Yourself a Pet
My cat, Sirius, is one of the best decision I ever made. I felt extremely lonely the first 2 years of grad school and fostering him made those feelings really go away. The weekends that we had to take him to the fostering event were some of the loneliest days that I have had. After adopting him, I was never fully alone. Sirius loves to come annoy me whenever he has the chance, and I am 100% Ok with that. I think getting a pet in grad school was one of the best decisions that I ever made. If you want to read more about it, check out my blogs about pets in grad school. Both of the links are here and here.
Find Inner Peace
Use the time that you have by yourself to mediate and find inner peace. Being alone is a great time to just “be”. Be in the moment, be in solitude, and really dig deep into who you are. You can find out a ton about yourself that you didn’t even know. This advice is scary because often people what to distract themselves from themselves. This will lead to problems later on. Meditation can be a great experience to reduce loneliness because you won’t be alone, you’ll be with the best person in your life, yourself. I have used meditation to figure out underlying issues in my life and am a better person for it.
Lastly, Know That “This Too Shall Pass”
The feeling of loneliness will not last forever. For the first year of grad school, you may feel very lonely and isolated but that feeling will subside. I promise you this. After a while, you may even come to love being alone. Just understand that your feelings will pass. It is not forever. Just make sure that you learn something from it. Learn what makes you feel lonely and what causes these feelings to pop up. Just always know that the feelings are not permanent.
I hope you don’t experience loneliness while you’re in grad school, but if you do, I hope you find this helpful. Grad school is long but it can be fun. You just need to put in some work and you can create an awesome experience for yourself.
If we feel lonely around friends and when we are by ourselves, that kind of describes the universe
Loneliness is not only in grad school
How do you see loneliness leaving after grad school
What will change.
I used to rely on making acquaintances just to get by in university. These friendships were shallow and short-lived. Any friends I maintained (sorta) over the years faded after I moved across the country. I didn’t bother making friends when I got a second degree.
Any conversations I have with friends now seem superficial and boring. And the ones who do enjoy intellectual convos seem to get fixated on one or two topics, and I can’t seem to steer them away to talk about anything else. Also, I think I outgrew almost of them people I once talked to because we’re in different stages of our lives. I realize that I don’t need friends to be happy, and to make/create happiness instead.
I am a loner
I am not lonely
I do not need their approval anymore
I’m clearly a great deal older than you! I have never felt lonely for any length of time. I have spent most of my adult life doing stuff alone. I rarely turn down offers to do things with people even it’s not my thing, I’m not unhappy doing things alone because who knows if I’ll get the chance again!
I do seek out people when I need the human contact and I make it a requirement at least once a week, so I don’t become isolated and out of practice.
I wonder if loneliness is part circumstance and part learned? Who knows! Reach out and pull someone into your world, you might find they need it too!
There is a marked difference between being alone and being lonely. Just being alone should not make a person feel lonely. Be your best friend , develop a hobby, creativity will let you go insane.
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